Hummus

I would like to dedicate this post to Marjorie. We like to go to this amaaaazing place called Green Life Grocery in downtown Chattanooga (or is it the waterfront?). Let's face it...I HATE beans. I don't like lima beans, garbonzo beans, plack eyed peas, pinto beans (basically NONE). I knew hummus was made out of beans, so I had already decided that hummus was going to be a no-no for me. Well Marj suggested I try some of it on my panini. BTW, Green Life is an all local organic grocery store that also sells food to eat there or carry away. Anyway, I tried it and I LOVE it! It's so yummy and good for you too! I bought some to take home with me today :)

On a side note, I like hummus because it is gas inducing. I can now pay back Fred :) (the boss)

On another side note, Mad is obsessessed with everything Bobby Jack. It's a clothing you can get at Sears (I think). Today she wore B.Jack underwear, pants, shirt, belt, and shoes. Everything BOBBY JACK.

Em refused to wear capris AGAIN today so she could wear some skorts. They have ruffles and they're "bootiful".

Peace out Peeps

some Chuck Norris FACTS

I realize I'm a total spazz. For Marjories' viewing pleasure, here are some FACTS about the one and only Chuck Norris.




When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

The Bathroom and other randomness.

Ok, my readers (Lula basically) knows that I work with ALL men (boys really). I do the accounting for a distribution company. So, I work with a bunch of truck drivers. Don't hate or be jealous of me, you can have my job if you want it. Anyway, we have ONE BATHROOM. Now don't get me wrong, I really like my job. It's low stress and I get to do what I wish. My boss loves to cuss people out and tell dirty jokes to people. My problem is I've now gotten bathroom ocd.

Last year, when I thought I'd locked the door, one of the guys walked in on me.on.the.toilet. Since, I triple and quadruple check the door. Once I think it's adequately locked, I check it again.

The bathroom and I have history. I think that the bathroom was getting back at me for something I had done a couple of weeks before. The lock on the door was getting stuck (never on me though). A few of the guys would struggle to get out of the bathroom (I know this because my old office was next to the bathroom...ugh). Anyway, one day our oldest guy was stuck in the bathroom. At first I was giggling (because I'm mean like that), but the guy started freaking out. Apparently he's claustrophobic. In that moment, I thought to myself "what would Chuck Norris do?". I decided to be a badass and kick in the door. I told him to step back, and I kicked it right next to the nob. Well, I got the door opened but I kind of splintered some wood.

So, today I'm premenstual and cranky. I just got back from the bathroom (to check out how bloated I am...very) and was thinking while I was checking the lock for the 5th time that I am nuts.

Shout out to my Aunt Laurel (yes geniuses I was named after her) who actually read my blog and emailed me that she liked it. My Aunt Laurel is cool like that.

I'm going to post a funny story because I can sympathize and apparently live in randomland.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal. The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Have the kleenex ready and maybe the Depends, you'll laugh that hard... Read on...... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe............ OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? > I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Still alive

I don't really turn on my computer on the weekends. Let me tell you why (because I know you're DYING to know).

I get home at 6pm or later each night. That doesn't leave me much time during the week to spend quality time with the family. So, on the weekends I try to spend as much time with them as possible. Mad and Em have become quite the little fishes and love to jump off the diving boards at the local pool. We usually meet my sis Heat and her son Brit.

They all make up their own dives. Em's favorites are the kitty cat, the puppy dog, and the model. Mad just likes to make as much of a splash as possible.

Sunday we spend most of the day cleaning. Because of paragraph two, sentance one, and we're gone all day on Saturday.

So, bear with me. I'm not feeling very inspired to write anything today. I'm in the middle of an audiobook and it's hard for me to concentrate. It's called "Absolute Fear" by Lisa Jackson. I'm not too sure about it yet. I don't know if it will end up good or not. I'll let you know :)

Peace out peeps

One more (maybe)

I have a large family here. I also have a large family in NC. I get along surprisingly well with my ex-husband. We decided to do what's best for the girls so we don't fight and we don't talk bad about the other (because that's just stoopid sh*t childish people do). I think we've managed to even become friends again. He's remarried and I'm about to, so we're both happy where things are at for each other.

But, I'm here to talk about the heart and soul of my family there. My (ex)mother-in-law. I hate calling her that just because everybody groans inwardly when they hear the m-i-l word. I just call her one of my best friends forever. She's spunky, sassy, and I decided a while back that I wanted to be more like that. Believe it or not, I used to be very timid and quiet (it's true and you can kiss my you know what if you disagree). She is the epitome of mother in that family. She can cook and clean like it's nobodys.business. I swear she has more energy than even Marj.

After me and he split, she let me and my two girls invade her home for a whole year. I know it was hard at times, but she always makes me feel welcom. Even now that he has remarried, she still treats me exactly the same.

As I've mentioned, if it weren't for her generous contributions (basically all of it) to my childrens' wardrobe, Mad wouldn't be "cool". She'd have to wear the same outfit more than once in the course of two weeks. And, poor Em wouldn't be able to pick from her plethora of dresses and skirts. So needless to say, LOVE HER TOO.

So, sorry Lula, but I have no dirt for you in this post. I'll see if I can think of any "friends" dirt to share with you (I personally think you're the only one who reads this anyway).

BTW, I told my mom to read what I wrote about her yesterday.She informed me I wasn't supposed 2 tell people that she locks her keys in her car all the time. So, in her honor, here is something else she does: because she's so short (4'10") she has to have two pillows behind her on the couch. I'm not sure why, I think it makes her feel taller. LOVE YOU MOM

I have an insane neighbor that I love

My insane neighbor "Lula" (because that's a crazy name) just emailed me and told her that I needed more "dirt" on here. Well, I'm going to give her the dirt...on her hahahahahahahaha (the evil sounding laugh). I met Lula a few years back when Marjorie was living next to her. I instantly found her amusing. On one of my first encounters she was coming to Marjories' house to show her fake nipple rings (they were not attached). She was dating her ex-husband (who recently moved back in) and she talked LOUD.

Because I'm a bit on the loca side as well, I like her. Since I've moved in next door she's become one of my greatest friends. When I'm sick, she comes over and takes care of me (because I'm a big baby). When I get sunburnned (which is often because I'm stoopid) she rubs the aloe gel on my back. When I went on my first date with my GI Joe she watched my kids for me. Last Christmas we (me and Lula) went on our first date. We went to her Company party (she wasn't seeing her ex. now not.ex then) on the Southern Belle. It's a dinner cruise boat here in Chattanooga. She told me she likes ex - sex. Truth is, I don't think she ever got over her ex (I was right)(as always).

There is alot more juicy dirt, but I have to do some work because I've been here: http://jason-thejasonshow.blogspot.com/ all day. I swear reading blogs has become an addiction. I get sooooo bored at work that I can't stand it. And I have to do something or my brain takes over.

Well, I know I have Lula that reads my blog. Crazy follows Crazy.

Luv ya Lula <3

My three girls

This is the youngest Em. In front of her dollhouse. Her eyes will melt your heart. I did mention how she is the sweetest.child.ever.

This is the middle MAD. She's sucked her thumb since she was in my tummy. I'm going to have bills out the butt for the dentist. But look at those eyes...and cheeks :)

This is the oldest Jes...celebrating her dad. She has frosting on her lips. Contrary to the pics, she DOESN"T like watermelon. See how they all resemble each other?

I love these girls. Oh.MY.GOD. Gi JOE and I are going to have ALOT of trouble on our hands!

Apparently....

Before I get serious about my book (I've been doing online research how to publish) I need to learn how to be grammarically (I think I made that up) correct. As most of you know I'm DYING to publish a sexy murder/mystery/thriller book. I read all the time and listen to books at work (to keep my mind off work).

Anyway, after reviewing my writing I seem to veer in all sorts of directions. Problem is, I write how I think, which is all over the place. Apparently to be a popular novelist you shouldn't lose people by hopping subject to subject. I also make up words and like to blend.them.together. I don't know why.

Anyway, today was picture day at school. They made it extra "exciting" this year by letting us pick out the background color. You have read what my kids are like right? Mad wanted green. Em wanted purple. You think no big deal right? WRONG! We had to color coordinate the clothes with the background. OY VAY! So, how long did it take? 45 MINUTES!!!!! To pick out two outfits for two beautiful little girls who have tooooo much clothes thanks to grandma (not being sarcastic, I really appreciate it since MAD can't wear the same outfit twice in TWO WEEKS).

Anyway, it's 4:45pm here. I guess I'm supposed to be working. Or I could play solitaire!

C-Ya L8r

Some known facts about me...

Ok, I admit I have a few mental issues when it comes to certain things. For example: I can't be around ANYONE who chews with their mouths open, smacks, talks with food in their mouth, or breaths loudly while eating without having a major PANIC ATTACK.

From What I understand, I've been like that since childhood. My loving mom tells me that I used to yell at my sisters "QUIT SMACKING!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Since then I've adopted some other things that make me cuss (if the kids aren't in the immediate vacinity), sweat, and make my heart feel like its going to EXPLODE.

Let's talk about that 98yr old person driving that you get behind EVERY.DAY. You know, the one with the huge cadillac so you can't see around it? The one who swerves in the other lane randomly scaring the bejesus out of others??? The one who goes 25 miles an hour (not kidding) in a 45 MPH zone?????????????????????? *Deep Breath* *Again* Okay.

I understand that they need to get around too, but that is what we children are for right? My mom has developed this habit of locking her keys in her car lately. Does she call the insurance provider? No, she calls me at work. Do I mind? Never. Because my mom is nutty like that and it is one of the many things we share. Last week she locked them in her car at her office. So I leave work and go to her house to get her spare, I then bring the spare to my mom. What does she walk out of the office with? A cocunut cream pie. That's why she locked her keys in the car (she put the keys on the seat to get the pie). She comes out smiling ear to ear and says would you like the rest of this pie? I think to myself she's buying me off with pie! Love her.

That's kinda like my meditation I guess to calm down (that's me speaking in the Yoda language). I find myself driving home one second cussing some other driver (quietly as I do not want to get shot) and the next laughing because I'm thinking of something funny my family did/said. I guess having split/multiple personalities does have some advantages.

TTFN Peace out

Just because...

I'm going to talk about one of my sisters' because she just emailed me and told me to be nice if I do. I guess she doesn't know what the comment button is for. Well, we will call her...Marjorie hahahahahaha. Marj is 19 months younger than I am. Marj is in most ways the polar opposite of me. She's skinny, outgoing, she.never.slows.down. Watching her makes me tired sometimes. So, what's something funny I can share about ol' Marj...

When Marj and I were growing up we were a bit of trouble makers when on a crucade against people who were mean to one of us (all the sisters). Marj had a classmate that neither of us liked. She would go around saying she was Anna Nicole Smiths' cousin and had slept with Jean Claud Van Damnthat name is long. She also told untrue stories about my Marj. One night Marj, our friend Jen, and I decided to have some fun with her. We named ourselves Bonnie, Bonnie, and Bonnie (there was no Clyde to accompany us).

About midnight we packed up a few rolls of toilet paper, some bologna, and eggs. Mind you I was 17 she was 15 so we knew it was wrong, just thought it was too funny to not do it. We drove over and first toilet papered the house, then put bologna on a car and finished it off with throwing eggs at the house and running as fast as we could to the getaway car.

The girl suspected us but could never prove it. Bonnie, Bonnie, and Bonnie had luck.

All that being said, now as an almost 30 year old adult, I don't regret it. I still know it was wrong, but when I think about it all I hear is Marj and me laughing so hard I thought we'd pee all over ourselves.

I'll teach my kids to do better and not to do those kinds of things...because I'm responsible now LOL.

Marjorie is her middle name and she hates it. That's why I'll be calling her that from here on out.

XOXO to you Marj

This is what having girls do to you.

Ok, as I mentioned I have 3 beautiful girls. Two biologically mine, one is emotionally mine to claim :)

Jes is my handsome boyfriends' daughter who ironically looks like my other two so when I'm out with them all I look like the crazy lady who just had three girls back to back. Anyhoo, Jes turned 8 in January. She is one of the smartest kids EVER. Swear it. If my computer was to go down, she'd probably be the one to call rather than the cable company. She also has freckles like me. LOVE her. Unfortunately she only gets to come over every other weekend throughout the school year. We had her alot over the summer though :)

Mad is next. She will be 8 in October. Mad is the biggest diva to walk the face of this earth. Example: I laid my younger two girls clothes out. Mad took a look and looked at me like I was INSANE. I asked her what I did wrong. She said, "but mom I wore that the first day of school"! I simply asked, but that was 12 days ago honey. Her eyes bugged out even more! She exclaimed, "I can't wear the same outfit twice in two weeks, that's not COOL"! Remember, she is seven and told me when she was five that the diva colors are: Brown, Teal, Pink, Purple, and black. Also very smart, been top in her class since kindergarden every year.

Em is next. She just turned 6 in July. Can I just say Em is the coolest most laid back kid EVER. She loves to give hugs and share (most of the time). Em is an AVID collector of the amazing "littlest pet shop" creatures. I swear she has 100 of them and four of their houses. She has 3 of the ones that you can play with online, and so much other lps crap I can't even remember them all. Anyway, Em has recently caught Mads' fashion bug. She wants to wear dresses or skirts EVERYDAY. She cracks me up. I'm very lucky to have their grandmother that buys them so much clothes or I'd be up a creek without a paddle.

GI Joe is next. That's my dear boyfriend / fiance' who moved in with me in January. It's been a transition for both of us being independent for so long, but I'll admit it, I like having him around. He has three personalities. The first being military mode. That's when he is serious, stubborn, and gets things done. The second is daddy mode. I've had rare occasion to see a man who treats his kids so good. He is stern when he has to be, but in truth, all those blue eyes usually melt him and he is fussing at me for being too hard. When Mad was doing homework last week and I was trying to show her a math trick she got upset because she was having a hard time getting it (perfectionist). GI JOE told me to back off he didn't like seeing her cry. So here he comes to her rescue pretending he didn't know how to do second grade math to make her laugh and feel better. The third is silly mode. I recently met a bunch of his military buddies and spent the night near their base. I'll just say this. If you dare any.one.of.them. to do something...They're GOING to do it. By the end of the night, my GI JOE was naked in the hotel pool (he did have his military helmet on though) and his friend was walking around the hotel in what I call man panties and a sarong.

Tomorrow I'll start on my family. I have a large one. Four sisters, two brothers, three nephews, and two nieces. I have the parents as well, and best friends that are like family.

As my first post, I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with this. We'll see :)

Peace out peeps